Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Two Cows, Catholic Style

You may have seen the two cows explanations of politics. For example, "Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk." Well, someone has gone to the trouble of putting together Catholic versions of the two cow metaphor. (Some are better than others.) We reproduce them here, for your reading pleasure:


Benedictine: You have two cows. You use one to preserve the art of animal husbandry for all time. You kill the other and make intricate, colored markings on its hide.

Cistercian: You have two cows. And a more extraordinary method of procuring milk.

Trappist: You have two cows. You do not appreciate their mooing, yet require their milk to craft high quality fudge. You assign them to a novice.

Franciscan: You have two cows. Moved by the beauty of sister cow, you unleash them. Your ensuing lack of milk allows you to glory in the poverty of Christ.

Dominican: You have two cows. You feel as if you should share one with the Franciscans, but can’t bring yourself to trust them with it.

Carmelite: By concession of Pope Innocent IV, you have two cows. You don’t eat them between Sept. 14 and Easter.

Discalced Carmelite: You have two cows. You feed them by arduously dragging hay to their tough, but then you deliver it by truck. Ultimately, abundant hay falls effortlessly from the sky.

Jesuit: You have two cows, but everyone from Louis XIV to Pastor John at 1st Community Baptist believe you control the cattle industry. Admittedly, you founded many farms in the bovine tradition, but struggle with what bovinity means in the 21st century.

Salesian: You have no cows, but work to improve the welfare of calves orphaned by factory farming. You are a visionary when it comes to cattle futures.

Opus Dei: You have two donkeys, and tend to them very carefully. You never admit that you engage in this work, but are delighted to meet other covert donkey owners.

Communion and Liberation: You have two cows, and bring them to huge annual gatherings. You speak to them only in the present tense.

SSPX: You have two cows. You raise them precisely according to USDA standards, c. 1950. One cow denies that the USDA exists and runs off to take care of itself.

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